Childhood emotional neglect is when caregivers deprive a child of basic needs, such as not providing adequate nutrition, supervision, health care, clothing, housing, or any other physical, emotional, social, educational, or safety needs.
Often, people aren’t aware that they’ve experienced childhood emotional neglect until adulthood when symptoms become more apparent.
When a parent is not emotionally attuned to a child, they do not develop a positive sense of self, often leaving the child with a poor self image, low self-esteem, and being overly sensitive.
Emotional neglect often occurs in families with unrealistically high expectations or few opportunities for attentive listening, and/or in which a child’s emotional experiences are invalidated to the point s/he doubts themselves.
Symptoms of Emotional Neglect:
- Being numb or cut off from your feelings
- Low self-esteem
- Perfectionism
- Being easily overwhelmed or discouraged
- Feeling like there’s something missing, but not sure what it is
- Pronounced sensitivity to rejection
- Feeling hollow inside
- Lack of clarity regarding others’ expectations and your own
While these symptoms don’t necessarily mean you were emotionally neglected as a child, if you identify with more than one, it may be worthwhile to seek professional support to discuss your issues with an experienced therapist.
What parental styles can be associated with emotional neglect?
Some parents experienced emotional neglect as children themselves. Most parents are well-intentioned and do the best they can – however some parenting styles are associated with emotional neglect:
Authoritarian – parents want their children to follow the rules, and have little time or inclination to listen to their child’s feelings and needs. As adults, these children may either rebel against authority or become submissive.
Narcissistic – Parents with narcissistic qualities feel the world revolves around them, making life all about the parent’s needs instead of the child’s. As adults, these children may have difficulty identifying and meeting their own needs. They may even feel that they don’t deserve to have their needs met.
Perfectionistic – parents often believe their children can always do more or better. Their children may grow up to be perfectionists, and set unrealistically high expectations for themselves, resulting in anxiety around feelings of never being good enough.
Permissive – parents have a laissez-faire attitude to child rearing and let their children fend for themselves. As adults, these children can struggle with setting boundaries and limits for themselves.
Absent – parents can be removed from a child’s life for a variety of reasons, such as death, illness, divorce, working long hours, or frequent travel for work. Children of absent parents often largely raise themselves, and become overly responsible and overburdened.
Tips for Recovering from Childhood Emotional Neglect
If you think you may have been emotionally neglected as a child, here are some tips for recovery:
1. Become fully aware of your emotions.
If you’ve spent your adult life disconnected from your feelings, the first step is to learn to notice and become aware of feelings – good and bad feelings. When you feel a change in body sensation – flood of warmth, racing heart, eye twitches – slow down, perhaps place your hand on your chest, notice the next in breath and become aware of the emotional experience. Simply notice the changes.
2. Use descriptive emotional language.
Develop your emotional literacy by learning words to describe how you feel more accurately. If you didn’t grow up in a home where people talked about their feelings, you may need to expand your vocabulary. Using more descriptive language can enrich relationships.
For example, you might say you’re feeling happy – but perhaps a more accurate word is that you’re hopeful, creative, or satisfied. You may feel betrayed, jealous, let down or numb but instead say you are angry – this can confuse the listener, making it harder for them to respond or support you. These words can start a more meaningful conversation in which you explain how you’re feeling more accurately, and provide the listener with better informed information.
3. Identify your needs, and take steps to meet them.
Many adults who experienced emotional neglect as children don’t know what they need and don’t feel they deserve to get their needs met. When you begin to understand what you need, and take steps towards getting it, you also start to notice what helps.
4. Acknowledge that beliefs aren’t always facts.
If you believe that you don’t deserve to have your needs met, see it as just that – a belief, not a fact. It can be helpful to deconstruct old beliefs you’ve held for a long time that may not hold true. Like everyone else, you have emotional needs that you deserve to have met, no matter what you experienced in childhood.
5. Take care of yourself, be gentle, and nurture self-compassion.
Adults who’ve experienced emotional neglect as children often have difficulty with self care. Try treating yourself with the same gentleness you would give a child or pet. Be tender and compassionate, cast aside any judgment, and experience an enlightened version of yourself.
