Tag: marriage therapist

break up in relationships

When is it time to break up?

What should you do if you’re in doubt about whether you should stay or leave the relationship you’re currently in? How do you know when a relationship is over?

Well, there’s many answers to this, and it’s quite nuanced to our individual lives, but here’s a very small list of signs that your relationship may be on the road to a break up.

1. You tend to tolerate more than you would with anyone else.

Now, in relationships, we’ll always be finding new ways to compromise, and tolerating your significant other’s silly habits or quirks, well, that’s pretty normal. This is stuff like not putting away dishes or leaving the front door unlocked or something annoying but insignificant.

But for example, if a friend or co-worker is constantly putting you down or finding new ways to make you feel self-conscious, you would probably stop communicating with those people, right? What if your partner constantly hurt your feelings or did things in spite of how badly you felt about them? If you’re in a relationship where your partner is consistently criticizing everything you do or making you feel worse about most things, evaluate if you react differently to your partner versus the rest of the world when it comes to how they treat you.

2. You do not have aligned life goals.

When you first got together with your partner, did you ever discuss whether it was just for fun’s sake or if you had other visions in mind? I.E. creating a family, owning a home, getting married, or something deeper? Do you think you have compatible life goals with your partner? For example, if one person wants children and the other person does not, this is a valid reason to consider leaving a relationship.

You both aren’t working towards a similar goal to keep you marching in the same direction as a team. When two people share a similar long term goal, they generally have a better chance at staying together. If two people have contrasting views on how they want their future to look like, this could eventually start to divide the commonality in a couple.

3. There’s a lack of attention from one or both people in a couple.

In order to give a plant the best chance of growing and thriving, it needs its basic ingredients: water, sun, and soil. This goes for couples in the same way. A relationship needs nurturing, time and attention to make it successfully satisfying.

What does this mean? In your relationship, do you have planned outings together? Are you going on dates still? Or taking vacations / staycations together? How are you both ‘sowing’ your relationship seed? If one person is always tending to the health of the relationship and the other person does nothing about it, this seems as if the lopsidedness of care will eventually make the one person who’s trying to help, give up. Let’s face it, all relationships take constant work. Make sure that you both are doing whatever is needed to make your connection stay strong.

These are just 3 common aspects that may indicate that a break up could be a possibility. Don’t let this sway you into giving up automatically, we can all change if we decide we want to and are given the right tools to do so.

If you’re struggling with whether to work on your relationship or leave, consider talking with a couples counselor before making any sudden movements. You can work out all the insecurities you have, as well as get a chance to talk about your concerns in a 100% confidential and judgement free space.

Contact Robin Newman for more information on counseling near you.

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the spiral experience in relationships - Imago therapy NY

The spiral experience in relationships – Imago therapy NY

Robin talks about the spiral experience in relationships according to Imago relationship therapy during her couples’ intensive workshops in Long Island, New York. For more information on couples counseling, contact Robin today.

marrying partners like our parents

All relationships start off with a flood of good emotions, then couples begin to hit a wall when things get challenging. What Robin teaches is that this is a normal cycle, and in order to come out on the other side better, we must be aware and DO THE WORK to get to a place of real love and safety.

It all starts when you or your partner perceive a disconnect: in intimacy, in support, or in understanding of each other.

Then you notice that you don’t feel as close to or as attracted to your partner as you used to be. This makes you sad because you remember what it was like to be so giddy in love when you were first together.

You have a realization that something has gone wrong. At this point, you start to feel anxious. You begin to look for a reason or a scapegoat, for those negative feelings. In this case, your partner becomes the scapegoat. You start to look for what your partner is doing wrong or what he/she is neglecting to do:

They left the house without saying goodbye. They forgot to tell you they invited friends over for drinks tonight. They left dishes in the sink instead of putting them in the dishwasher. They didn’t call you to tell you they’d be getting home late.

Now you have something to latch onto. You criticize and attack your partner. They did something wrong because of a flaw in their character. This becomes a power struggle.

When you’re in this state of looking for reasons why your partner is causing your unhappiness, you only see what they’re doing wrong. You ignore all the things your partner may be doing right.

What’s interesting about this is that science has shown that women subconsciously use criticism as a way to draw their partner in and as an indication to move closer. That’s not how a man sees complaining and criticism! When a woman criticizes, the man believes he’s failed in some way, and begins to feel hurt, ashamed, and misunderstood. This makes him angry with himself. But he doesn’t want to direct his anger at you, so he withdraws. He stops talking. He grows cold. He seems to ignore you. He may even leave the room or the house.

When a man withdraws, he’s often protecting you from his anger. But if he withdraws long enough and often enough, you don’t feel safe or connected. This again causes you to feel contempt. When you’re in a state of contempt, you believe they can no longer do anything right, because their actions aren’t just what’s wrong. THEY are wrong.

When you’re in a state of contempt, you also may say mean things, be sarcastic, or belittle them… Contempt is ugly. Once you start to feel it, it’s much more difficult to bring the relationship back. That’s because with contempt, you believe you’ve made up your mind about your partner, and it’s not good. They can’t do anything right. They can’t give you what you need. They’re flawed.

Now it’s just a matter of time before things fall apart. That’s why it’s so important to recognize EARLY ON if you’re falling into relationship failure and do the things that will reconnect with your partner, FAST.

How can you do that? You both must make the decision to recommit to your relationship with curiosity.

Rather than complain, criticize, or ask your your partner to stop doing things that annoy you, look for ways to add positives to your relationship. Ask questions on how your partner feels. Be curious on how they’re feeling as well. That is by far the most effective way to turn any relationship around. This will forge a stronger connection with your partner, knowing that you are both on the same page looking for more love, intimacy, and trust.

When you strengthen intimacy and connection, your entire relationship changes for the better.

The spiral experience in relationships is something you should be aware of from the start so when you feel that things are not going smoothly, you can know what to do to get back on track and move forward stronger together!

For more information on Imago relationship therapy, follow Robin on Facebook!

Couples Workshop Long Island Feb 21 & 22, 2020

NY Couples Workshop for February 2020

GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT

The New York Times bestselling guide to transforming an intimate relationship into a lasting source of love & companionship.

February 21 & 22, 2020

Sat & Sun, 9:30-7:00 PM

575 Broadhollow Rd Melville, NY

Is your relationship starving for affection, romance and/or passion?

Do you wish to deepen the relationship, the closeness, and the intimacy that once made it so special?

Does it seem like you can’t stop the cycle of anger, blame, arguments, and withdrawal?

Do you consistently feel unheard?

When any of this occurs, it’s time to make important changes in your relationship.

A change where the two of you are able to effectively communicate, work through conflicts in a skilled way, and be genuinely affectionate with each other.

Your relationship is much more likely to be a long, happy one if you and your partner both make an active effort to communicate, both well and often.

Don’t miss our next NY Couples Workshop February 2020! If you are struggling to find clarity and connection with your partner, this workshop will give you the tools to succeed.

Couples Workshop Long Island Feb 21 & 22, 2020
Robin Newman, LCSW, and her husband Don will guide you and your partner to deeper levels of connection using Imago Relationship Therapy, an approach that allows you to experience new levels of safety and appreciation. Restoring passion and hope to your relationship, Imago brings you healing and spiritual growth.

If you want to learn the tools to long-term relationship success, attend our weekend workshop February 21 & 22, 2020 or contact Robin Newman, for information on couples counseling:

(631) 421-4701

$ 695.00 per couple. Limited space.

Breakfast, refreshments & snacks included.

** This workshop is designed for married & single couples of all gender & sexual orientations.

Getting The Love You Want Couples Workshop Melville, NY 2019

NY Couples Workshop February 2020

Couples Workshop Feb 21 & 22, 2020
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GTLYW Workshop Feb 21 & 22, 2020
couples therapist Long Island - Therapy for Better Mental Health

Couples Therapist Long Island

Robin Newman licensed clinical social worker Long Island, marriage counselor talks about empathy

ROBIN NEWMAN LCSW-R PC:

Advanced Certified IMAGO Relationship Therapist
Adjunct professor at Adelphi School of Social Work
Couples Therapist Long Island, New York

Robin provides counseling for couples of all kinds:  dating, married, separated, divorced, same sex

Rediscover the joy you once had.

Renew the vision for your relationship.

Restore the passion in your love life.

Robin Newman helps couples break through barriers to achieve greater understanding, connection and intimacy.

TRANSFORMATION IS NEAR

·     Become passionate best friends again
·     Learn how to end the power struggles
·     Learn secrets to a satisfying relationship
·     Gain understanding and insight into each other
·     Experience compassion for yourself and your partner
·     Harness conflict and redirect to growth
·     Start the journey of healing
·     Rediscover the safety, the connection, the power of two!

< WATCH ROBIN NEWMAN ON YOUTUBE – Couples Therapist Long Island>

Common Communication Issues in Relationships
with Robin Newman, couples therapist Long Island

What clients are saying about couples therapist Robin Newman:

“Robin is a skilled and caring therapist. She truly believes in Imago relationship therapy and it shows. She is amazing, caring and intuitive while also being informative. I like the dialogue because it helps me to communicate more effectively with my partner. We thank you for helping us to love each other on a deeper level.”
intimacy - couples counseling - love
Donna M.
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